Haha, so now it's been over a year since I've written. Perhaps my next entry will be somewhere around 2006. We shall see. Anyway... My life is rather boring. I have to admit, summers like these make it worth living only a half hour from school.

I really don't even know what to write in this entry. I'm working on t-shirt designs for my friends and me. So far, I'm having fun, but I haven't started on the ones that require graphics (I've only done the typographic ones). They all have something to do with each of us. Most people won't understand, but who gives a shit, right? I know I don't.

Uuuh, ok so I'm done here. I'm going to continue working on my Harry Potter fan art. If it doesn't look awful when I'm done, I'll probably put it up here. I'm sure everyone is holding their breath in anticipation now that I've said that.

Rock. \m/; | Song 'O' the Second: The Pillows - Little Busters

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Song 'o' the Day ---} The Hives - Main Offender

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OK, this is gonna be really really short 'cause I'm in class and it ends soon. Basically, I just wanted to say that I haven't had time to spend on DA in the last few months. I'm hoping maybe I'll gt some time to just screw around and actually do some more art and get more up here, but I don't know when that'll be.

FOR ANYONE WHO'S LEFT ME COMMENTS: I'm sorry I haven't replied or anything. Like I said, I haven't really had time for DA for quite a while.

Alright, that was short. Thanks for reading this, if you have!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Song 'o' the Day ---} Elton John - This Train Don't Stop There Anymore
Sigur Ros - Svefn g Englar

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Yeah, so it has now been what, 3 months since I've even logged into DA here. I think the underlying reason for that is quite simple, now that I think about it--any habit of mine with connections to my years at Penn State depresses me now.

I thought I was taking this whole I-had-to-leave-Penn-State "thing" fairly well... And then people started going back to Penn State--without me. It's SO selfish of me to think like this, I know, but I can't really help it considering there's no one around to whom I can vent about it.

I could bitch to friends at PSU if: 1. I could catch one of them online, 2. he/she actually had time for such things, 3. I thought any one of them could really understand my point of view. That sounds really mean of me to say, but I KNOW if it was the other way around, I wouldn't be able to really fathom what this is like for me.

Until I got to college, I never did anything interesting. I had friends, but we never did anything to "write home about." Granted, I wouldn't write home about anything I did in the last three years either, but that's only because I'd get sent to rehab and therapy for it.

For anyone actually reading this, if you read my last entry, I'm sorry that this is just another bitch-fest. I've got to get this down though. I need to get this out of my system, and for some reason, this actually works to a degree--it works better than anything else I've tried anyway.

So, I guesss what's been happening lately is that just as I got used to having just a few friends around that I could see every once in a while, everything goes and gets fucked up again. Everyone's leaving me. I know they're not actually leaving ME, but maybe that's part of it. I can't talk to anyone about this without feeling like a selfish brat, so it makes me feel even more alone which causes me to think even more selfishly. It's a vicious cycle, and I blame my psyche. I blame my insecurity. All sense of contentment, self-reliance, and self-esteem that my friends managed to help me build up over the years seems to have shrunk almost to the metaphorical size they were when I was in high school.

I visited State College last week, and I must say, I had a fucking awesome time. Colleen, if you read this, thank you SO much for letting me stay with you. I feel horrible about how I treated you. I feel like I didn't give you nearly enough attention, and I have since I left town. The next time I visit, we'll do something just the two of us... And maybe Bob. Jill, I'm really happy we got to hang out again, even if it was in that evil apartment. Yes, many horrible things happened and lived there, but I know I have a lot of great memories from that place, and I think you do too. Mike, it had been way too long since we'd hung out. I'd forgotten how strangely comfortable I get when I'm around you, and I'll always be thankful for the eccentric and always-amusing conversation that is ever-present when we're together. And last, but definitely not least, Chase... I don't know if I've mentioned it before (for obvious reasons, my memory isn't the sharpest its ever been), but you've been such a great friend ever since we met. I've truly missed hanging out with you these past few months. To everyone I've mentioned here, some of what I've typed may sound a bit strange, but I often find it hard to express, in words, the thoughts that run rampant through my mind. Once again, I blame my psyche.

So I guess most of this current depression stems from my former moderate lonliness turning to extreme lonliness now that everyone is going back to school, and I'm staying here. There will be no more 3 a.m. recycle bin dunkings, 6 a.m. smoke-a-thons, latenight park bench police dog raids, latenight drugged up walks and stargazes, drunken searches for the park, nocturnal sleeping patterns, smoking during national crises, Denny's runs, Diner runs, staggering walks home after partying with friends... This is why I'm depressed and lonely. I keep remembering things like that. I keep remembering those times I had with friends and thinking that those things will still happen, but I'll no longer be a part of them.

I wish things were different.

I love you all. Live it up a little bit for me... Just please don't tell me about it.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Song 'o' the Day ---} A Simple Plan - I'm Just A Kid

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Yeah, so it's been almost a month since I've written, and I'm sorry. As I've said many times before, I dont' know if anyone actually reads these things, but in case anyone does, here's a brief update of my life.

I'm home until next August at least because I didn't get housing for Kutz-fucking-town in the fall. I'm real happy about this one (note the sarcasm here 'cause I'm laying it on REAL thick). I haven't been up past 2 since I've come home because there's nothing to do. I've basically just passed out in front of my TV every night. I haven't even gone out because I don't have any friends from around here anymore. I've been lonely, depressed, and trapped since I've been home basically. Pretty much every freedom I had while I was at school is no more thanks to my anal-retentive parents and their stuck-in-the-fifties frames of mind.

I started work this past Monday at Wegman's. This, sadly, has been the highlight of my life lately. I get to get out of the house for hours on end. There's a smoking lounge where I can eat my lunch and take my breaks without fear of someone I know catching me. Of course, the act of actually BUYING cigarettes was harrowing today. I was SO paranoid. I think I'm going to buy them somewhere else from now on and just bring them with me.

I've been slowly packing up my room since I've come home so that it can be painted. I'm also getting new furniture, but that's not important right now. What's important is that going through all my old shit (and there is a LOT of it) has not helped my mood. Its just been making me miss my friends even more than I had already.

I just want to go back to the last week of school and relive it again. Would I do anything different? Of course, but there's not a lot I would change. I wish I could have said my goodbyes a bit differently to some people. There are a few people I wish I could have seen just one more time before I left. There's one person, in particular, that I wish I had had the courage to be more honest with the last time I saw him. I fear the last time I hung out with him could have been our last. We've said that we'll see each other and visit and all that bullshit, but being the cynic I am, the thought that it was all comforting lies is causing my stomach to turn every time I really dwell upon it. I don't think he'll actually see this, so I'm going to say "fuck it," and put a little note here for him. Mike ("farmiliar" Mike), if you see this, I miss you and I wish we could have spent more time together before the end of the semester.

My three years at Penn State were not just the best years of my life because they were fun--they also taught me so many things. I grew into the person I think I always was inside. Though I still have issues (who doesn't?), I am much more comfortable with who and how I am. I also befriended some of the best people I could ever call friends. Though a few of the early friendships were ill-fated, they were "growing experiences," and I hope I won't make the same mistakes later in life.

I consider my friends to be the most important part of my life in the last three years, and I thank them all for allowing me to both mature because of them and with them while still holding onto our youth at the same time. I don't think I ever had more fun than when I was acting on a whim and being stupid with a close friend. And there's nothing more touching or personal for me than when I spent some quality time one-on-one with someone (often with the help of everyone's good friend Bob).

I guess I just want to thank everyone I've come in contact with for the last three years (this includes people online). I've been so sentimental lately, but there's little else for me to do. It's not like I can drink away my sorrows as my dad worries that I'm an alcoholic every time I even MENTION beer or something. But anyway... Thank you everyone.
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Song 'o' the Day ---} System of a Down - Chop Suey

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Once, again, I haven't been around for a while. This time, it's cause my connection got restricted to what PSU calls "56k." It's about 5 times slower than any dial-up connection I've ever had. I can start DA loading, go to the bathroom, and brush my teeth, and it still won't have loaded. My connection goes back to normal this Saturday at midnight, so I'll be able to check out all the comments and such after that! Ugh, I can't wait!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~